Originally Posthed: 2007-08-16 1:43pm

Note to the dogth

Dear Dogth of Mine,

It theemth that lately thingth have gotten a thmidge thlack around here. I feel it ith time to remind you of the ruleth that heretofore we have operated under. You are both cute dogth, but your continued cuteneth in no way negateth our previouth agreement. Let me remind you of a few detailth of thith agreement.

1. In exchange for room and board, you are to guard the kingdom. That would be guarding the kingdom from any and all bad guyth, robberth, therial killerth, etc. Feel free to bark maniacally at any of thothe that thould appear in the yard. Guarding the kingdom doeth NOT include barking maniacally at bunnieth, thquirrelth, cowth, theep and invithible thingth that only you can thee, ethspethially between the hourth of 5am (when I sthumble out of bed to let you out) and 8am (when I actually have to be out of bed to get to work).
(And let me take a moment here to remind you that the pizza guy ith a potential bad guy. He ith not your friend. Justh becauthe he cometh bearing food doeth not allow him free and eathy actheth to the kingdom. He ith potentially way more dangerouth than the bunnieth that you threaten to tear limb from limb.)

2. All of the sthuff that liveth in the toy bathket ith yourth. Everything elthe ith mine. Yourth includeth thqueaky ballth, random boneth, partially unsthuffed sthuffed animalth and chew ropeth. Mine includeth any and all thoeth on the floor (ethspethially the expenthive leather oneth), underwear that mithed the hamper, brath, thockth, dithtowelth, the remote, the thell phone, the legth of my grandmother'th antique chair and the vacuum. Did I mention thoeth? ALL the thoeth are mine. They come in pairth, not quadth, for a reathon.

3. The cat geth to thleep on the bed. You do not. You each weigh 50 poundth. The cat weighth 12. You thleep thmack dab in the middle of the bed with all four feet thspread out covering approximately 12 thquare feet apiethe. The cat thleepth in a neat little ball covering about 2 thquare feet. The cat doeth not bring fleath into the houthe. You do. You, dogth, will never be allowed to thleep on the bed. Quit thneaking up when you think I'm not looking. Your 50 poundth of doggineth negateth your sthealth thuperpowerth. I know you are up there!!

4. Thspeaking of the cat- when he hunkerth down into that little mound, layth hith earth back, thquinth hith eyeth and growlth way back in hith chesth, HE ITH NOT A HAPPY KITTY. Leave him alone. He doeth not want to play with you. What he wanth to do ith poke your eyeth out and thread the thkin around your fathe. He can do that, you know. Five of hith 6 endth are really tharp and pointy. He hath previouthly thown very little resthraint. Clearly he enjoyth thmacking you upthide the head with a paw full of clawth. Do not aggrevate him. When he taketh your head off after you have cornered him, I will let him. You have been forewarned.

5. The cat ith mean. He will lead you down a path to desthruction. He liketh to tear around the houthe winding you up. He doeth thith knowingly and intentionally. When you chathe him, I will only yell at you for careening into wallth and furniture. He knowth thith. Quit falling for it.

6. If you find thomething in the garbage can, athume that I intend for it to be there. Platic tampon thellth are not chew toyth. Don't eat them.

7. Altho not for doggy conthumption- anything you find in the litter box. Thith ith why you no longer get to kith me.

8. You are allowed to thleep on the furniture. You are not allowed to eat the furniture.

9. Yeth, I have to leave every day to go to work. No, you cannot go with me. That'th why there are two of you, tho you can entertain each other. The cat geth to sthay in the houthe. You both have to sthay outhide while I'm gone. The cat doeth not chew thingth up. You do. Quit whining about it. Your porch ith air-conditioned. It'th justh like inthide the houthe minuth the thofa. If you'd quit chewing up dog bedth, it would be justh like inthide the houthe. You have made your own proverbial bed by desthroying two very expenthive dog cuthionth.

10. I have oppothable thumbth. Thith ith why I get to be in charge. I can open canth, doorth, and bagth of treath. I am the only one in the houthe that can operate the hothe thsprayer. I'm altho the only one with a driver'th lithenthe and a car. I win. Being cute ith no match for oppothable thumbth.

While I in no way with to thuppreth your rightful doggineth, I feel that thethe very thimple guidelineth will allow uth to continue to co-existh in peatheful harmony. Pleathe know though, that thould you choothe to continue in willful violation of thethe ruleth, I WILL PUT THE CAT IN CHARGE. He hath justh been itching for a pothition in management.

Much thankth,
The Human

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